Busy Parent Snapshot

If your teen says they’ll go to school tomorrow, then wakes up “too sick” to go every morning, it’s not defiance. It’s a nervous system in survival mode.

This blog explores why school resistance is rising in teens, and how to open up connection, communication, and calm at home without pushing, pressuring, or punishing.

💡 Understand why your teen shuts down and won’t talk about school
⚡ Get gentle, neuroscience-informed conversation starters that invite safety, not shutdown
✨ Learn what’s really behind school refusal and how to support your child back to resilience

“How can I get my teen to listen to me and even talk about school?”

Leanne (Parent of a teen who has been refusing to go to school for over a year)

At least once a week I hear some version of this question from parents in despair because their teen is not only resisting going to school but they're also resisting talking about it.

Sadly Leanne is not alone.

She just wants to see her son happy and thriving.

Every evening her son tells her he’ll go to school tomorrow then in the morning he inevitably tells her he’s too sick today and can’t go. Her son is smart, is good at music and is well liked, but, after a school incident where he felt rejected by his peers things started to spiral down.

Like so many other kids resisting school, he says he wants to go but he feels like he just can’t get there.

💡 Takeaway #1

School refusal isn’t rebellion, it’s dysregulation.

When a child’s nervous system is flooded, logic won’t land.

The goal isn’t to force attendance, but to restore safety, emotionally and physically so their system can return to calm.

Right now in Australia we have a 1–5% range baseline of kids refusing to go to school but many experts consider current levels likely higher given post-COVID observations.

A 2023 Greens-commissioned national poll of 1,000 Australian parents found that 39% reported their child had been unable to attend school at some stage in the past year due to anxiety or emotional distress University of Southern Queensland & Orygen.

This is a serious issue and we must come together to support teens and their families who are deeply feeling the impact of school anxiety.

Perhaps your anxious teen is having trouble sleeping or is over sleeping or is using their device to self soothe or maybe they’re isolating themselves from the family and spending all day in their room or perhaps they’re so moody that the whole family feels like they’re having to walk around on eggshells for fear of upsetting your teen and hearing the undeserved vitriol they can come out with.

I get it.

I’ve been there and I know how stressful it feels to face this on a daily basis.

This is why I’ve created some practical conversation openers to assist you with breaking down the protective wall your teen has likely been putting up because they’re in survival mode.

And remember, how you show up for your child matters.

When your nervous system is regulated you have a much better chance of connecting with your teen.

It took me some time to learn this but eventually I learned that I needed to let go of dishing out advice and applying pressure, instead I learned to take some deep slow breaths and refrain from reacting back.

I encourage you to do the same.

Although it may not seem like it, your teen is not intentionally giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time.

💡 Takeaway #2

Connection comes before communication.

Teens won’t talk until they feel safe.

And they won’t feel safe if they feel judged.

Focus on creating space without judgement, (No eye rolling or giving solutions).

My experience has shown me that every child who is experiencing school anxiety and resistance is telling themselves some very negative stories about themselves and their world.

They are also struggling to regulate their nervous system state because they have unhealed, unprocessed trapped emotional pain which is putting them in a reactive state of fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

Practical Conversation Openers for Teens in School Resistance​

1. Connection First
​
​Before teens can talk about school, they need to feel emotionally safe.

Connection matters more than correction in these moments. eg.

​“I know you don’t feel like talking, and that’s okay. I just want you to know I’m here when you’re ready.”

• “This must feel really heavy for you. You don’t have to figure it out alone.”

• “I can see this is very hard for you right now. Would you like some support with this or have you got this? I don’t mind what you choose. I love you no matter what.”

• “I don’t need all the answers. I just want to understand what it feels like for you so I know how to support you.”

2. Side-Door Approaches
​
​Direct questions can feel overwhelming.

Side-door approaches take the pressure off and give teens safer ways to express themselves.​

• “Sometimes it helps to rate it on a scale of 1–10, instead of explaining everything. How big does it feel today?”

• “Do you want to show me in music, memes, or a drawing how it feels right now instead of talking?”

• “If this feels too big to talk about face-to-face, would it be easier to text me what’s on your mind?”

3. Empathy & Validation
​
​Teens resist when they feel judged or misunderstood.

Validation helps them feel seen and lowers the wall of resistance.

• ​“It sounds like school feels impossible right now. That must be exhausting.”

• “Lots of teens go through this—it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.”

• “I get that you’re not trying to make life hard. It seems that going to school is hard for you right now.”

4. Inviting Courage with Collaboration
​
​Once connection and validation are in place, you can gently invite them to be part of small, manageable steps forward.

• “What’s one small thing we could try together that wouldn’t feel overwhelming?”

• “Would it help if we just focused on tomorrow morning instead of the whole week?”

• “If school feels too big, what would feel like a safe first step?”

💡 Takeaway #3

You don’t have to fix everything, just make space for one next step.

Progress doesn’t come from pushing through fear.

It comes from co-regulation, micro-connections, and showing up, again and again, even when it’s hard.

Try One Small Step Today​

You don’t have to do it all at once.

Choose just one opener. One moment of non-reactive presence. One deep breath together.

Because your teen doesn’t need a perfect parent, just a calm one who doesn’t give up.

💛 If you're ready to understand what’s really going on beneath school refusal and how to help your teen feel emotionally safe again join my free live class.

▶ ️Watch: Discover the exact formula that stops anxiety ruling your child’s life in 90 minutes without relying on outdated practices.

​I’ll walk you through the exact steps to reduce anxiety, rebuild trust, and support your child back to school without force, fear, or burnout.

🎯 Action Steps: Supporting Your Teen Through School Resistance

Here are some small but powerful actions you can try this week:

✅ Pick just one conversation opener from the list above and use it without pressure or expectation.
✅ Practice co-regulation take 3 slow belly breaths before you engage. Your calm matters more than your words.
✅ Hold space without advice instead of trying to “fix” the situation, just sit with them. Be present.
✅ Create one moment of soft connection whether it’s sharing a meal, folding laundry together, or a quiet walk.
✅ Focus on small wins even opening the blinds or getting dressed is a step forward when the nervous system is shut down.

Tiny shifts, repeated with love, are how big changes begin. 💛